I want a baby but he doesn’t…
We live in a world where everything is planned, including having a baby. But it is not always as straightforward as a simple decision, and it is not uncommon for a young woman to want a baby earlier than her partner.
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Since the existence of contraception, motherhood has been a decided step in life in the majority of cases. ‘Having a baby takes two!’ But the future dad does not always necessarily share your desire for a baby. So what do you do when you want a baby but he doesn’t?
Having a baby: a planned path
“I feel ready but he keeps telling me we should wait,” complains Stephanie, who has been in a relationship for 3 years.
When everything seems in place (financial and emotional security), a child naturally features in the family set-up, a fact that is obvious for the future mother but not always for her other half. Before broaching the subject of why he is pushing back, it's necessary to challenge the completely erroneous ideal of a simultaneous desire for a child. We are rarely ready at the same time.
“This is an illusion created by the pill. Not having children has been mastered, but we haven’t got control over the decision to start a family in quite the same way,” suggests Dr Irène Borten-Krivine, a gynaecologist, to set the record straight.
Becoming a baby dad: not always an obvious step
“It might be egoist and little bit immature, but a child means less freedom and fewer nights out with your mates,” says Julian of ‘not being ready’ like many others. Stephan confesses: “My relationship with my wife is very passionate, and I can’t see myself giving this up for a child.”
Behind these ‘good reasons’ given by men, lies a completely legitimate concern: the passivity involved in becoming a father. “The woman carries the baby, not the father,” Dr Irène Borten-Krivine says, pinpointing the heart of the problem. Whether this is due to how much they value their freedom or to the fear of giving up their number one spot to a third addition... the problem is always the same. Becoming a father doesn’t happen inside him as it does for the mother.
Increasingly nowadays, fatherhood doesn’t have much to do with the experiences of those before you, specifically your father’s and also your grandparents’. As the psychoanalyst Jean Pierre Winter highlights in his book “What is a father?” (Ed. Albin Michel): “There are two different factors which come into play when a man becomes a father: personal experience on the one hand, and the influences and codes specific to that generation on the other.”
When confronted with this new mentality as a father, as described in Irène Thierry’s book “Unmarriage”, which he hasn’t been prepared for, the boyfriend may need to take time out... but this doesn’t necessarily mean ‘no!’
He doesn't want a baby... - (next) ►
Copyright © 2011 Doctissimo
Posted 16.05.2011
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