Miriam's casebook - Choosing single parenthood
Ten years ago, Ros made the decision to abort an 11-week pregnancy because she didn't want to interrupt her career and didn't want to make any form of long-term commitment that meant giving up her independence.
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As she got older, Ros began to yearn for a baby, but she still hadn't found a man to whom she wanted to commit. A barrister specializing in family law, Ros, 38, is now 14 weeks pregnant.
Finding a father
During a recent passionate and rather whirlwind affair with a younger man, Ros decided that she'd be more than happy if her lover, Timothy, was to become the father of her baby. Although she felt very fond of Timothy, she couldn't see the relationship lasting, though, and didn't particularly want it to.
She talked the idea over with Timothy, who agreed that he didn't want to make any long-term commitment to Ros either, although he was happy to father her baby. The affair has now ended, but they've remained firm friends, and Ros has just begun the second trimester of her pregnancy.
A healthy baby
This will be Ros's only child and she wants to do everything she can to make sure her baby will be healthy. She went to a genetic counsellor before getting pregnant because a cousin on her father's side suffers from haemophilia. As her father hadn't suffered from the disease, the counsellor reassured Ros that she wasn't carrying the gene.
After she'd talked to Timothy about the possibility of him fathering her child, Ros asked him about his family health background. Happily, everything seemed to be normal. On her first antenatal visit, Ros found out that her lifestyle was more important than her age in determining the smoothness of her pregnancy. She's being very careful about her diet (see Food in Pregnancy) and exercise, and she's not smoking, drinking, or taking any medication.
All of her medical tests have proved normal and she knows that she shouldn't put on too much weight, that her blood pressure will be carefully checked, and that she must be on the look-out for signs of water retention (tight rings, swollen ankles) as this could be a warning sign of pre-eclampsia. At her last antenatal visit Ros had a scan to check for any obvious abnormalities in the baby, among other things. Everything was normal. Although ultrasound scanning revealed no abnormality, Ros is keen to have the added check for genetic or chromosomal diseases provided by amniocentesis.
A working pregnancy
Ros hopes that by cutting down her workload and working flexible hours she'll be able to work right up until labour. Although she's allowed up to 52 weeks maternity leave by law, she intends going back to the office part-time two weeks after the birth. Given her tough working schedule, Ros knows how important it is to rest. Already she puts her feet up for 20 minutes at lunchtime and tries to snatch a nap in chambers or in the car during the afternoon. She's rigorous about getting enough sleep, has stopped socializing except at weekends, and is in bed by 9.30pm. I advised her to learn deep muscle and mental relaxation and to keep doing yoga.
Ros is determined to have the very best medical care available during labour and has chosen to have her baby at a large teaching hospital that's at the forefront of technology. She wants to have an active birth and she's pleased that she'll be attended by a team of midwives - she won't have a birth partner and so will depend on her carers for emotional support during labour. She's made a birth plan, which has been added to her hospital notes.
After the birth
Ros plans to hire a full-time nanny who will live in with her and the baby as soon as she returns from her hospital delivery. The nanny will be on night duty from the end of the first two weeks so that Ros can get a full night's rest in preparation for returning to work.
Ros wants to breastfeed her baby for as long as she can and she's prepared to express her milk and store or freeze it so that her baby has the benefits of breast milk even when Ros herself is at work.
I mentioned to Ros that one of the hardest things about being a single parent is that she won't have anyone to share great moments with - when her baby first smiles or says her first words, for example. I also warned her that although her baby won't suffer in any way from having only one parent, it does mean that the demands, both emotional and practical, on Ros herself will be very high.
Ros's work will continue to give her great satisfaction but I encouraged her to have as active a social life as she can too. It's all too easy to become isolated when you're working hard and bringing up a small child by yourself. I suggested that Ros start finding out about local activities where she'll probably meet other working mothers as well as looking into hobbies or exercise classes at a local gym or health club with crèche facilities.
Ros's baby
Ros's baby will have only one parent right from the start, so her experience of life will be somewhat different from a child who has two parents caring for her. Ros will be able to give her baby just as much care as two parents would. Her baby will also become very attached to her nanny, who'll be a very important person in her life, but there's nothing wrong in this. Ros's baby won't see her mother all the time, but when she is with her, it will be special time. She'll be breastfed, even though Ros is going back to work, but will need to adjust to being given a bottle of defrosted breastmilk by her nanny and being breastfed by her mother.
Ros and her child will tend to be everything to each other, which may lead to a rather intense one-to-one relationship. Babies do need and thrive on having plenty of contact with people other than their parents, so it's important that Ros's baby has a chance to interact with a wide range of children and adults. Both mother and baby will gain a great deal from having this broad network of support and loving care.
Miriam's top tips
Being a parent is possibly the most rewarding thing anyone can do. Being a single parent is equally rewarding but the emotional and practical demands are high because they rest on one person. My advice is to:
- join a local antenatal class to start establishing a local network of mothers and babies
- avoid becoming too isolated at home - both you and your baby will benefit from socializing with other mothers and babies
- take some time out for yourself - working full-time and being a single parent is likely to be exhausting at times. Recharge your batteries by taking breaks and time out for yourself when you can.
Posted 04.05.2011
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