Arranging for help
In the last weeks of pregnancy, it's a good idea for you and your partner to talk about how you are going to organize things at home once your baby is born. If your partner is taking time off and able to play a full part, you'll be able to cope without too much difficulty; if not, you'll need someone else to give you some help and support, especially for the first few weeks.
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The first few days of motherhood will be harder than you think. Labour and birth are physically and emotionally draining; you'll feel you've very few reserves left, and you'll be very tired. You'll realize, once at home with your baby, that one job or activity succeeds another almost without a moment's pause, and in the middle of all this you're still learning about being a mother. Even if you've read every baby book going, you'll find that your baby conforms to no typical schedule or plan, and that you have to work out your life around your baby's routine. Trying to impose a routine on your baby only causes you more work; it's best to take your lead from him. As far as sleep is concerned, you need to get it when you can - new babies don't know night from day and need the same attention during the night as they do in the day.
Sources of help
So that you don't become overtired, and even depressed and weepy, you'll need some help to tide you over at least the first few days, and preferably the first week or two. Don't be too proud to ask for or accept help - if you don't say what you need, you may soon come to regret it. Having help does not make you an inadequate mother. The best possible solution is to have someone living in your house, so that your day can be split into shifts. That way you can at least make sure that you get enough rest and time to pay attention to what you're eating.
Family and friends' help
Your mother and your mother-in-law are probably the people you trust most in the world when it comes to child care They've had children and are experienced at looking after babies, and they'll give you lots of helpful support and advice. If possible, ask one of them, or another close relative who has the flexibility and time, to come and live in your house around the time you go into labour. That way your helper can establish herself in your home with your partner and other children if you have them, and be ready to receive you when you come home with the baby.
Such a helper is invaluable. You'll feel confident that the household is ticking over quite normally. She can take over all the organizing and see to meals, laundry, shopping, and so on. This also takes some of the responsibility from your partner so you can both devote more time to your baby. And if your helper has had children of her own, she'll probably have lots of valuable information and advice for you.
Nannies' help
Nannies can either live with you or come on a daily basis. If you decide that you'd like a nanny, it's best to arrange for her to be settled in with your family before your baby is born so you can get to know each other. Having a newborn baby in the house is quite a traumatic event, and it's important to have a helper who'll fit in with your routines and lifestyle. It's also vital for you to feel confident about her abilities and happy with her relationship with your baby. You can find a nanny through personal recommendation, advertising, or through a really reliable nanny agency. I recommend contacting the Recruitment and Employment Confederation for advice (see Addresses).
However you recruit your nanny, you'll need to see her at least twice before you hire her. Make sure you get two good references, and follow up these references with a telephone call to tease out any “between the lines” information. The first time you meet, suggest you relax over tea or lunch together or maybe go shopping. Follow this up with a formal interview. Both you and your partner should be involved in the process, because you'll probably see different aspects of her character.
Draw up a contract of employment with a proper job description in which you cover all the tasks you expect her to undertake, and include the approaches and attitudes you expect. Your nanny should be prepared to bend her usual practices in order to fit in with yours. Remember that you are her employer and as such you are responsible for her welfare. She has the same employment rights as an employee in any other line of work.
Arranging for au pairs
These are young women (or occasionally young men) from other countries who help you with your baby in exchange for room, board, and a small wage. They are much cheaper than nannies but bear in mind that most have no special child-care training and may speak little English. An au pair is supposed to live with you as part of the family; she is not an employee. It's not a good idea (and not fair on your au pair) to leave her in sole charge of a baby under one year of age for any length of time. In fact in the UK, au pairs are not supposed to work more than five hours a day. They must be given time off to go to language classes if they wish.
Live-in helpers
If you want live-in help for a short time, you could hire a maternity nurse for a few weeks. She'll join your household just before or after your baby is born and she will help you with all the baby care.
As well as providing welcome help with your baby, maternity nurses are invaluable teachers. They'll show you how to see to your baby's daily care: how to change nappies, and how to breast- or bottlefeed him, for example, how to know when he's had enough, and how to take the baby carefully off your breast to avoid soreness and cracked nipples.
But it's up to you and your maternity nurse to work out what kind of regime you would like. You may decide, for instance, that you'd like to have a night's sleep without interruption so the nurse will be on duty all the way through the night. You'd then take over at, say, 7am, so that she can get some rest. Maternity nurses are expensive, but will get you off to a good start if there's no one else around to help.
Another option is a doula (see Useful addresses). A doula is an experienced woman who offers help and support during and after the birth of your baby. Some doulas are willing to live in for a few weeks after the birth. A doula is trained and experienced in childbirth and baby care, but she is not medically qualified.
Posted 16.11.2010
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