Preparing siblings for a new baby
Any child who's enjoyed the undivided attention of both parents for any length of time will suffer what child psychologists call “dethronement” when a new baby arrives. Nearly all toddlers suffer a deep sense of loss of parental love when a new sibling arrives. It's not surprising that their psychological disturbance shows in changes in their behaviour after the new arrival.
Helping a young child
© Jupiter
To a young child, the arrival of a new baby topples him from pride of place, from being first in his mother's considerations, from being the apple of her eye, and the focus of her love, nurture, and attention. He may feel that he's taking second place with mum and dad and has less attention than before. A child feels this displacement very dramatically and of course responds as only a small child knows how by using all the tactics at his disposal to regain his parents' love and attention.
The result can be “regression”, which means the toddler goes back to earlier, happier times when he couldn't feed himself perhaps, or when he wet and soiled his nappies, or before he'd learned to talk. This may look to adults like some sort of rebellion, but a toddler can't help it, so the worst you can do is punish him for it. In fact, the opposite is essential - he needs extra-special time alone with you, with loving care, plenty of rewards, praise, and physical affection with games, kisses, and cuddles and lots of jokes and laughter. Armed with this knowledge of how your toddler is likely to react to the arrival of a brother or sister, you can ease him through this painful time with some careful preparation and planning.
Involving siblings in the pregnancy
Be honest with your child from the start. Tell him that a new baby is on the way and he's going to have a new brother or sister. You might even ask him what his favourite names are. Make a list, put them up in the kitchen, and talk about them from time to time.
Encourage your child to put his hand on your tummy as it gets bigger to feel the baby kicking. You could also tell him that your baby loves the sound of his voice and that he should talk to her through your tummy. Ask him to sing her songs and nursery rhymes through your tummy.
Incidentally, this isn't all hot air. Your developing baby does remember the voices of those around her and will bond with them after birth. She'll respond instantly on hearing her brother's or sister's voice once she's born, if she's heard it constantly during your pregnancy.
Helping siblings understand what's happening
Show him what's happening in your tummy month by month using the pictures in this guide. Copy them on large sheets of paper so that it's all very clear. Point out how the baby is developing and put up the drawings round the wall at a height where your toddler can see them easily. Perhaps you could then make up stories about each stage of the new baby's development, saying things like, “Now your new baby's heart is beating.” “Now your new baby can move his hands and legs and we can feel him kicking.” “Now your new baby can suck her thumb.” “Now your new baby is getting ready to be born”, and so on.
Try to encourage your child to take ownership of his new sibling by using the word “your”, as in “your baby”, “your new sister”. If you do, very soon he'll develop a sense of ownership, and of a desire to take care of his new brother or sister. If you and your partner always talk about “our new baby” he may feel excluded and frozen out.
It'll help your toddler to feel included if you involve him in the preparations for the new baby - helping to make up the cot and setting out equipment, for example. You might even suggest that he could try getting into the baby bath first, saying something like “Wouldn't you like to see what the bath feels like before your sister uses it?”
All toddlers like to help and love to imitate your actions. So, give your toddler small jobs to do and be very appreciative of all his efforts. You can show him all the new baby's tiny clothes and encourage him to feel special by saying how much he's grown since he needed them.
Posted 16.11.2010
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