Becoming a dad
Fathers often take a back seat in guides like this and I'd like to correct that bias. Your baby doesn't have any notion about the difference between mothers and fathers. She just wants to be loved and cared for. Men can do these things just as well as women and caring for your baby helps build your relationship with her for the future.
Making room for dads
© DK
With a little planning and a generous heart, both of you can enjoy sharing all the aspects of caring for your baby. After all, baby care means loving your baby, encouraging your baby, teaching your baby, watching your baby grow and develop, and establishing bonds with your baby that will probably be the strongest you ever make with anyone. Being a parent is perhaps the most important job any of us do. Who in their right mind doesn't want to be a part of all that?
No one has trouble defining a mother's role. Mothers care for children: they feed, comfort, dress, and bathe; they encourage, teach, carry, undress, put to bed, and maybe sing to sleep. We all know this because it's what our mothers did for us when we were children. Defining a father's role is more difficult and many men are struggling to come to terms with what it means to be a modern father. Really what's needed is for fathers to be much more involved with the day-to-day business of child care - for them to be more like mothers.
Your baby doesn't mind
Babies and young children are happy to be cared for by their father or mother. What your baby needs is comfort, warmth, and security from her parents. Although she'll soon learn to tell her mother and father apart, she's not going to make value judgments based on what mothers and fathers ought to do. Apart from breastfeeding, there's nothing a woman can do for a baby that can't be done by a man.
The need for parenting
Babies don't need mothering and fathering, they need parenting. They need the most important adults in their lives to be models of what parents do for their children. When this happens, the next generation of fathers won't be at a loss to know what a father's role should be. A child will only start to look to one parent rather than the other for her needs if this is what she learns she should do from her experiences. If you, as a father, never change her nappy, hold her when she cries, or play and laugh with her, of course she'll relate more to the parent who does do all those things.
Dad's feelings about having a family
However much you long for a family, the decision to go ahead and have a child needs the same reasoned, clear-eyed evaluation you'd give to any other major change in your life, such as buying a house or a new car. It helps to be open with one another about your feelings and to put into words some of the thoughts and questions that may be lurking in the back of your mind. Even if you think you both really want a baby because you love each other and it seems like the natural thing to do, it's still a good idea to talk about all the issues involved. Have you thought about how a baby will affect your way of life? Does having a child seem the right thing for you as a couple, or are you just reacting to pressure from others, such as the potential grandparents? Do you both have the same desire for a baby?
A different kind of parenting
A father used to be a protector, out at work all day and with little direct involvement in the care of children. Now, fathers and mothers are equal partners at home. Both may be working, full or part time, and sharing the financial responsibilities and the juggling of caring for home and family. Some couples may decide they don't want to use any form of child care and so one of them takes a career break to stay at home. In an increasing number of couples it's the father who opts to be the carer while his wife earns the money. One reason why such families are often strong and successful units is because they make their plans carefully and take account of both partners' talents. But whatever practical arrangements you make, providing a stable, loving, and open environment in which to bring up children is what matters the most.
21st-century dads
- More and more men are becoming stay-at-home dads and the main carers of their children while mums go out to work.
- Many fathers are fitting family matters, like the school run, helping in the classroom, or taking their child to the doctor, into their working day.
- Most fathers love to share the bedtime bath and story routine, especially if they've been away from their children all day.
Posted 16.11.2010
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